What do you do when you don’t know what to do? I cannot tell you how many times I repeat this to myself time after time, year after year. And I still don’t know the answer. There is this chronic sense of restlessness always lingering below the surface, my entire life, invading every spare and/or quiet moment, every thought. As the mother of a new-ish baby, there is less time for that; however, the feelings persist. I want to set a good example for her. I want her to see me working toward the things that cultivate my happiness. Here’s the issue. Sometimes I don’t have any idea what those things are, specifically, and there are even days when I’m lost in how to figure out where to start.
This has been particularly true within the last year. I had the “brilliant” idea to have a new baby and then start a new job after maternity leave. It was brutal and took me nearly every bit of the last 11 months to recover from. Everything was new, both at work and at home. I would not recommend taking this route. It can be done, but it was no fun. None. At all. Finally, I am beginning to catch my bearings and feel like myself again.
That said, it has left me uninspired and searching for focus. My once clear career path now seems a bit murky. It has been difficult for me to recall the plan before taking care of my daughter (which is a delightful adventure) dominated all else. Don’t misunderstand, at the end of the day, she is still my focus. However, I want to regain my writing inspiration, regardless of where it takes me (or doesn’t) financially/career wise. If nothing else, she deserves a mother who isn’t always at her wit’s end and writing calms me…even when the result isn’t always great.
The first step is likely to make myself write. This is not such as easy task when at the end of the way I feel like I have nothing left to say. After working a full-time job, making dinner, playing with/taking care of the little, attempting to spend time with my love, etc., it seems impossible to think about writing anything – let alone something with much substance. But, I think it is what it’s going to take. I’m going to have to write and write and write again, until it’s good, until it’s something. Or else, I may just go mad. Perhaps the more I write, the better it will get. Or at least, that’s the idea.
In addition to that, I am also going to search for inspiration wherever I can by exploring new books, podcasts, etc. Again, this is made slightly more difficult by a limited amount of spare time. In thinking, however, there are times that can be better spent than just watching random YouTube for a number of minutes that I refuse to share in this public forum. (Ha!) So, that’s my homework, adding to my to-do list. Yay! Seriously though, at the end of the day, I think it’s going to make me feel better. It may just take a bit more planning and using my time wisely. We shall see how it all pans out.
Until next time…Have a great day and be kind!