I looked into her big beautiful blue-green eyes this morning. For a moment, I pondered the dreams that may already live behind those eyes. What kind of person will she be? As she shot me a toothy grin, it struck me the people she will never know. She missed the chance to hear Megan’s laugh or jam out with her to some Smashing Pumpkins to destress after an argument with me about wearing makeup or some other nonsense. Great-grandma Bea will never be able to make her chicken and dumplings and Pappy won’t be the one to teach her how to cast an open-faced reel. If she decides she loves writing, somebody besides Aunt Neva will read her rough draft and inspire her on the power of words. Still, already I sometimes catch a glimpse of Mamaw in her smile and Megan in her eyes.
Little Bit has already laughed at both sets of grandparents as they make funny faces and talk to her. On a weekend in September, she will run with friends and listen to music and get dirty playing on the farm. When it gets dark, we will make s’mores and caution her about getting too close to the fire. Perhaps my dad will teach her the art and patience of fishing or maybe how to dribble and shoot a basketball with finesse (both of which I never quite mastered). It strikes me that in the coming years she will make friends and disagree with them. Eventually a friend will likely hurt her feelings, the thought of which makes my heart hurt.
Before I had one, someone told me that having a child was like your heart walking around outside of your body. It is one of the truest statements I have ever heard, even to the point of feeling it to my very core. Early in the postpartum period, it literally made me physically ill when she cried. Even to this day, it is difficult to hear. Then she smiles and I see a little bit of myself and her dad in that smile.
Most times, though, I am surprised at her independence – even at this young age. She is persistent in her efforts to do things not one moment before she wants to do them. It is my favorite part about her so far. I am both excited and terrified to discover how much this will change as she continues to grow.
Miss you – Megan, Grandma, Grandpa, Geneva, and all the loved ones who left us far too soon. I will enjoy sharing your stories with our little one. Maybe someday Little Bit can help me attempt to make Grandma’s chicken and dumplings recipe while listening to some Smashing Pumpkins.
Until next time, have a great day and be kind!