Eight days after our baby was born, we finally got to bring her home. She had a specific, yet vague, feeding plan to include nursing, pumping, and formula supplementation. I should’ve documented better because those early days are a blur of feeding baby and changing diapers around the clock or pumping. Here is what I do remember: The terror of regularly scheduled weigh-ins at the pediatrician’s office and holding our breath in between those appointments; the disappointment in my perceived lack of ability to provide the necessary nourishment for my baby; the anger that no one seemed to be able to give us an actual answer on what we needed to do for her.
Our pediatrician was unbelievably supportive of breastfeeding, while understanding the difficulty of our situation. The reassurance she gave us during that time meant more to me than she may ever know. Every moment of my day was about nursing and pumping (and drinking water – there is no thirst like breastfeeding thirst). It wore me down those first few months. Additionally, she also spit up a lot and had what I perceived as some reflux issues. I remember the two of us crying a lot in unison during a majority of feedings in that time period. The part of those visits that weren’t as helpful included yet another lactation specialist who was just as (un)helpful as most of the others I met while in the hospital. This one particularly baffled me as she tried to tell me Peanut had a tongue tie which is the first and only time that had ever been introduced. In fact, every other one had definitively told me she did _not_ have one. I’m sure there are fantastic lactation specialists out there, but that was just not my experience.Â
The majority of Peanut’s breast milk came from pumping and even that was supplemented with formula. Nursing (and even pumping) was REALLY hard for me and, to this day, I struggle with the disappointment in myself that I was not able to provide her with longer than four months of breast milk. It was heartbreaking the day I realized that my supply was completely drying out. When I see posts on social media about successful breastfeeding mothers it does sting for a brief moment that I couldn’t do that for my baby. But, at the end of the day, Peanut is healthy and gaining weight with formula…that is what matters.
So, for any mothers who may be reading this. I feel for you. Regardless of how you feed your baby. If you find yourself in a situation similar to mine, talk to someone about what you’re feeling or write things down. Whatever helps you deal with your feelings. I wish I had done this more. For now, I will move forward and enjoy the next adventure…solid food. Here we go!